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29. Being a Dude and Dealing with Shit

NB. The pictured cabin is not the one described in the story below...

So, picture this...


Around seven years ago, I rented a place next to my then girlfriend.  It was in a farmhouse where other people also rented rooms.  There was a little bit of a community feel but for one guy, a chef, who liked to relax by playing very loud Goa music until 2:00am.




If you don't know Goa music, it's like pumping trance beats - bum bum bum bum bum for hours on end.


One day, my girlfriend and I decided we needed a break from India's finest club music, to have a weekend break somewhere quiet.  She had two kids with another guy, and they were away, leaving only my son, who was a baby.


We booked a place in what looked like some luxury cabins in the forest, with a glass roof so that you could stare out at the stars through the forest canopy, and generally have a loving, magical experience.  That didn't happen though.


Here is what happened.


We arrived at our cabin, which was really a glorified shed.  Not so much better than where you would store your garden tools.  It had a double bed and a tiny bathroom next to it.


The glass window in the roof looked like it hadn't been cleaned for several months and was covered in dried leaves and bird shit.  Haley's comet could have been passing above us and we wouldn't have seen it.

Mosquitoes & Surviving a Shit...


If you took a dump in the toilet, which was some kind of composting thing that couldn't handle paper, so you had to wipe your ass and then put the paper in a special bin, for fucks sake.  The only ventilation here was to open a window, but they had no mosquito nets on them and you know, being in a forest, the place was rife with them.


So, a romantic night of smelling your partner's shit or being bitten on the arse by those little blood suckers.  A difficult choice.


But we noticed a standalone toilet some yards up the path which was free for everyone.  Mmmm?  Take a shit in the comfort of your own 5-star cabin, or risk a pre-warmed seat smelling a stranger's cack?


Yep, you guessed it.  The communal shit shed won the vote.


Imagine this.  It's night time.  The baby has dozed off to sleep, and it's the moment to get under the sheets and have some fun, only you have the strong need to curl out a turd.


You can't stink out the cabin, so you've got to make your way through a forest, without a torch, and only the scent of shit and piss to guide you to the toilet.


Then you are fighting off mosquitoes.  And the place they like to hang out isn't as you'd imagine, under the trees, or by a still lake but their idea of fun is to party around the forest toilet.


Swarms of them, man.


And what they seemed to like a lot was to see how quickly you could take a shit before being sucked dry.


I tell you... I got that shit nailed in under three seconds flat.


It brought mindfulness to a whole new level.

And the Good Lord Jipped Us Some More


My son began to feel ill and couldn't sleep. He was normally a dead certain for sleeping good but not this night.  And the next morning, with red bite marks on our faces, and sweat-drained due to sleeping in the equivalent of a pizza oven all night.  I was then sick.


But to add to our fun, life was going to get even worse that night.


We'd settled off to bed to the sounds of some student-types camped by a fire around a minute's walk away.  I noticed none of those fuckers were running from mosquitoes.


And as luck would have it, they were decent enough to play ultra-loud Goa music at the top of their music system's volume range.  Bum bum bum.  


Like being at home, you know, the one we were trying to take a break from.  Only now, in a worse bed, feeling sick, putting our life on the line as to whether we open the windows and let in a frenzy of blood suckers, or keep them closed and bake to death.


We asked those students if they could turn their enchanting music down, only to be told to no.  They are having a party.  We said that our child couldn't sleep.  But they did fuck all.  We asked the owners.  They said, no, they are having a party.  We are also having party.  We have a tonne of mosquitoes to join us in eating our pewk and smelling our shit, while listening to Goa music at 2 am.  Care to join?


So, the Dude?  Well, the Dude in me remained chilled.  The Dude in me abided with the funny cosmic joke of the situation.  And the Dude in me, returned home and kissed the ground like a pope getting out of an airplane.


The moral of this tale?  You might be going through some shit right now, but maybe, you'll see the funny side of it in the future.


Go steady Dudes.


The Reverend Thomo



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